i love both you and the german language way too much
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Donnerstag, Mai 25, 2006
father has produced ancient backpack! sewn for him (from a kit he says) by a friend in the mid seventies. Ohhhhh the street-cred. Not sure it's actually going to work, and the pack I found at EMS was on mad clearance for $50 and would hopefully be carry-on-able but also good for some actual backpacking-ness later on (maybe?), but father's grungy 30-year-old handmade backpack is SUCH a romantic notion. So...my backpack life has just gotten ridiculously exciting, is basically the point of this.
I actually kissed the new backpack in the parking lot of EMS and this woman who looked vaguely masculine and short-haired and whom I therefore immediately stereotyped (bad maggie! no fudgecicle) as a lesbian saw me from her car and smilelaughed.
I got it for cheaper than it cost, and I tried to tell the girl and I thought she just didn't care but in retrospect I think I just wasn't clear. this is not my fault, but has an odd effect of simultaneously intesifying and polluting my excitement about the backpack.
Matt Sheridan is out of the army and living in El Paso, apparently. I want him to have a sleep-on-able floor, but it sounds like he hasn't got an actual place yet.
8:50 PM
Mittwoch, Mai 24, 2006
excited and scared...and still not ready. My room is a wreck. Much to be done this week. getting pumped for zacatecas and obligation-less-ness.
I'm sitting in the living room with mommy and I'm sad about the prospect of being away from her for so long, even though I've been gettign more easily frustrated by her than usual of late. I've never actually not seen my parents for seven consecutive weeks, even though the beginning of this year was functionally much more than that, as parents weekend and that time I came home in october weren't really positive/meaningful/normal interaction.
Mommy said she was allaying someone's fears and told her "Maggie isn't a risk taker" and I feel that as a stinging barb probably because it's true. I do take risks. I assume she meant dangerous/unreasonable risks. This is not worth worrying about at this moment.
Ordered a bunch of 20-peso bills (gift of mommy, actually. yay/thankher) because apparently I can expect to have as much trouble getting change in Mexico as in India.
I was looking for tevas and more practical clothes/purses than I have at trumbull mall today and I tried on an expensive bathing suit and it made me look pretty (pretty HOT oh i AM funny...no).
I'm probably not bringing a sleeping bag 'cause I don't expect to use one, but I'm afraid I'm cutting myself off from something I can't even forsee yet by making that assumption. Packing light is molto importante though.
I've been having weird dreams.
I played a good game of ten fingers in Erin's hot tub for the first time ever while Priya was here.
I wish Priya's visit had been at a slightly more convenient time...I feel like I was in a bad mood the whole time I could be/wanted to be catching up with her because of the timing.
I miss people, particularly ben. I wrote a frenzied note to geddes in a duane reed in midtown manhattan on sunday because of the bubbly toes song, which I associate with her, but I never mailed it.
there is so much potential for so much wonderful to happen for me in mexico. I only hope i do not spend the entire time crying. it may have been a strange choice to come fresh out of the trauma of starting fresh as a freshwoman and engineer a new loneliness/lostness trauma for myself, but...I seem to have this drive to seek out radical change in my life every few years (or less...?) and I think this will make me happier than dropping out of school and moving to arizona or something.
i used to think of the series of big sometimes rash-seeming decisions started with veganism/big haircut the summer after sophomore year, but I think the cross-country/perfectionism thing freshman year at staples and the weightloss thing in seventh/eighth grade and my sudden decision that I muuust go to sleepaway camp (which became cty) in sixth grade are actually earlier occurences of the same thing. Convenient. I like thinking of sixth grade as an apocaliptic change in my life, don't I?
speaking of which, I talked to eilertsen yesterday (also mrs. honeycutt). nothing particularly interesting happened, which I guess is kind of disappointing in retrospect. but not very. not every interaction needs to be poignant or world-changing, even if its history would make it possible to write the short story that way.
that sentence makes sense in my head, by the way.
11:11 PM
Donnerstag, Mai 18, 2006
I will be leaving freshman year and keeney quad forever in a few minutes. I feel very sad about this. mommy says "transitions are always hard" true. a very mommy thing to say.
11:43 AM
Mittwoch, Mai 17, 2006
Ohhhhhh me I am done. Done done done done done with my freshman year in college. This is deeply exciting in a fulfilling-academic-requirements-to-progress-towards-a-degree way and frightening or sad or thought-inspiring in every other possible way.
The paper was not what I was hoping for, but neither was it as bad as I had resigned myself to turning in.
2:34 AM
Dienstag, Mai 16, 2006
just over five pages.
3:10 PM
4 down, up to 11 to go. AAAAH FASCISM AAAAAH. actually I'm feeling quite serene.
2:03 PM
Samstag, Mai 13, 2006
I have written a paragraph.
6:15 PM
Dienstag, Mai 09, 2006
I love hugging. There are quite a few people who occasionally strike me so much with their wonderfulness that I need to grab them and hold onto the awesome for a moment. I was just randomly overcome with a fear that some of the people in this category will someday get too old and married and...something...for me to hug them all the time.
And that made me just generally afraid of the way people's future lives will take them away from me/each other. But not afraid enough to feel bad. I was crying a little bit in the Ratty with Ben earlier and then I read the end of Tillich, and I've been feeling very good ever since.
7:12 PM
Sonntag, Mai 07, 2006
I'm sad that I'm not closer to my father. I'm sad about the first time I refused to go to the father-daughter square dance as a young adolescent. I'm sad that I basically never talk to him and have basically no relationship with him at all. Very very sad.
I am reading The Courage to Be and I think I need to have more of that. Courage to be I mean. I think I avoid thinking about the threat of non-being rather than accepting it. Like when I was riding my bike home from the film festival and that guy honked at me and I freaked out and swerved into a lane of traffic where there could have been a car going seventy for all I knew, and then I cried for a minute and then proceeded not to think about it other than to hope to have learned not to swerve when honked at. And the meaninglessness part. I don't know how I feel about Tillich's understanding of the guilt/condemnation thing. I dunno.
I am still sad about my dad.
I am afraid of the summer.
My physical body feels very good.
12:50 AM
Montag, Mai 01, 2006
(not to be ridiculous about the nightswimming, but)
I'd been feeling very "you I thought I knew you" about much of the 'alcove' recently, thinking about junior year and the way they reacted to my leaving school, and then I just read something Ferret wrote comparing us to Ender's Game (allow me to remark on how amazing Ender's Game is) and now I feel much more "you I cannot judge"
Life of Pi was heartwarming and disturbing.
I intend to devote some introspection time to why I found the journals of that guy so overwhelming and upsetting.
I've been writing here some, haven't I? I have.
11:53 PM
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